Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2012

I tried to avoid my fair share of dross at the cinema this year, yet somehow I managed to be more disappointed by 2012 than any other year I can think of. This line up represents the worst of the worst...

10.  Resident Evil: Retribution
Why is it on the list? The Resident Evil series is far from great but it my ‘guilty pleasure’ and I’ve enjoyed the previous four films to varying degrees. This fifth film, however, was a low for even a franchise such as this; pointless 3D, pointless story, and slow-motion effects that should have died out years ago. The only thing worth saving from this film was the promise of a much better (and final) resolution to the series.

9.  Battleship
Why is it on the list? It’s like Transformers but based on a board game. Need I say anymore?

8.  Stolen
Why is it on the list? In 2011 Nicolas Cage had three films in my worst ten list, and sadly here he is again. Stolen is nothing more than a made-for-TV film with an Academy Award winner headlining, and despite being one of the best actors of his generation and producing performances that no other actor could have given, the roles Cage is choosing and the performances he is now churning out are undoing all the good work he has achieved and are turning him into box office poison and a name synonymous with B-movie fodder.

7.  21 Jump Street
Why is it on the list? Any comedy that doesn’t warrant a single laugh can only be made worse if it starred the equally fat and ugly Jonah Hill swearing and being crude for 90 minutes. It was as unfunny a film as you’re likely to see, so obviously a sequel was put into production almost immediately. God help us all.

6.  Snow White and the Huntsman
Why is it on the list? It’s the famous fairy tale re-told for angst-ridden teens with Kristen Stewart as a charisma-free heroin. A totally fun-free experience for anyone who watches.

5.  Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Why is it on the list? Read the title; the film is even worse.

4.  Total Recall
Why is it on the list? It fails in every department where Paul Vehoeven’s 1990 original succeeded. It’s the very definition of redundant film making.

3.  The Amazing Spider-Man
Why is it on the list? Metaphorically speaking, director Marc Webb couldn’t have had less of a grip on this film if his hands here made of butter and oil. The first half is boring because nothing happens and the second half is worse because everything happens but without any consequence. One of the worst comic-book films ever made.

2.  Dredd
From the first time we see the shockingly poor 3D this film was losing my interest; by the time the opening action sequence had reached its needless bloody conclusion, I knew exactly where this film was heading; by the time the film was 30 minutes old, I had made up my mind this was a stinker. However, by the film’s conclusion I had decided that it had not one single redeeming feature. It’s a rare quality in a film, but somehow Dredd managed to do it.

The film tries achingly hard to be tough by filling the screen with blood and the dialogue with F-bombs but it just comes across as nasty and grim and wholly unenjoyable. How anyone can find entertainment in an action movie or comic book movie that revels and delights in showing almost pornographic bloodlust is beyond me. I’m all for on screen violence and destruction, but only when it’s done well and not presented just for the sake of showing something gross. It’s an example of modern cinema at its very worst.

1.  Taken 2
Film criticism is objective and I’ve always been one to say ‘each to their own, however anyone who thinks Taken 2 is anything approaching good should be sectioned under the Metal Health Act. This film is so atrociously made that it made me angry that I stayed until the end and didn’t leave on the three separate milestones of incompetence that was being screened before my eyes.

There are many films I’ve seen (including several this year) that I’d award one star and even a few I’d say were zero stars, but I never thought I’d experience anything as woefully lazy, amateurish, and laugh-out-loud terrible from a major studio release as that of Taken 2. It is a film without a single positive found within its 90 minute running time. Even though some films are terrible, I can at least say they’ve tried but failed miserably in an attempt to do something new or re-tell a story we’ve seen before or that there was at least a single well-crafted shot amongst the wreckage; but I cannot in good conscience recommend anything about this film.

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